That Stage of Life

I’m doing it again this week. It seems I am doing it a lot, lately. I am joining others in remembering and honoring the life of a colleague and friend—someone who touched my life with gentleness and grace, someone who had a hand in shaping the trajectory of my ministry as a pastor. In the same timeframe, I will visit a friend who is dealing with cancer and, in it, is facing the inescapable reality of the end of her life.

These experiences are just a part of my stage of life.

I am in the stage of life in which I must repeatedly deal with the reality of death—the death of colleagues and friends as well as my own death. Most of my life is behind me. I am now in the stage of life in which I have to come to terms with what I have done with my life.

This “coming to terms with” is one of the disturbing aspects of celebrating the life and ministry of a colleague and friend. As I listen to how my friend’s life touched and impacted others, I walk away wondering about the impact of my own life and ministry. I face such questions as “What difference in the world have I made with my life? What significance has my ministry as a pastor had in the churches I served? How has my ministry touched the lives of others and contributed to their spiritual journeys?”

In addition, at this stage of life, the reality of my own death can no longer be denied. (Death is something we all acknowledge—at least, with our heads. Yet, when it comes to the reality of our own death, most of us push that reality out of our awareness. When we speak of our death, we generally say “if I die” rather than “when I die.”)

As I deal with the questions inherent to this stage of life, it strikes me that I am asking the wrong questions. I am asking merit-based questions that measure success in terms of accomplishments. The questions I am asking are rooted in the ego—my egocentric self. This egocentric self is the persona I built based upon what the world said I needed to be and do if I wanted to be valued and accepted. The questions I am asking are about being valued by the world, based upon the world’s standards of success. As a follower of Jesus, I am called to die to this egocentric self. I am called to reject the world’s ways of functioning and how the world measures success. “If any want to become my followers, let then deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me” (Mark 8: 34.

The better questions are significantly different. What difference has God’s grace made in my life? How is my life different today because of the transforming work of God’s Spirit? How has God worked through me—using the gifts, graces, and passions God gave me—to be a blessing to others?

These questions are not about the ego. They are not about success as the world defines it. These questions are about God and God’s grace. They invite me to view my life through a different set of lenses.