A Dangerous Game

It’s a dangerous game—one with devastating consequences spiritually. It’s one I’ve played. It’s one we’ve all played. It lies at the heart of and fuels our polarized political climate. During this election season, it’s one I catch myself playing even though I don’t want to play it. It’s one—if I could—I’d never play again.

I call the game “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

You know how the game is played. Pick an issue, any issue—moral, political, religious. We all take sides on the issue—some on one side, others on the opposite side. We can all argue why our position is the “right” position. As our position is the “right” position, the other position is naturally the “wrong” position. We can point out why that position is the “wrong” position.  

The game includes a subtle shift. The focus shifts from the position to the person holding the position. Since we are “right,” the other person is “wrong.” Sadly, this game in its most destructive version views the other person as ignorant—even depraved—eventually, evil—for believing what they do. “I’m right, you’re wrong” fuels “us-them” divisions in which we attack the other.

The game is built upon black-and-white, either-or thinking that ignores the subtleties, nuances, and many-shades-of-gray that are a part of any issue. No issue is as simple as either-or, right or wrong. If truth be told, the game doesn’t require any thinking at all. All that is required is listening for catch phrases that trigger angry reactions.

The game rides on fear—unrecognized fear of differences, of diversity, of those who are not like us, of thinking that challenges what we believe is true. It seeks to use certainty—i.e., black-and-white, either-or thinking—to calm the nebulous anxiety that lives just beyond the surface of our awareness.

The “I’m right, you’re wrong” game is foundational to our sense of identity—well, to our egocentric, constructed self. Our egocentric, constructed self is the persona we created based upon what the world (family, church, society) said we needed to be and do if we wanted to be accepted and valued. It is the persona we use to gain acceptance and belonging, value and significance in our social groups.

Because this persona is something we manufactured, it is fragile. We have to constantly reinforce it—through achievements and accomplishments, through recognition, accolades, and applause, through gaining status and standing, through having affluence, an abundance of things, and the status symbols affluence makes possible (neighborhood, house, car, adult toys, clothes, jewelry, etc.). One of the primary ways—if not the primary way—we prop up our fragile sense of self is by playing this game. By playing “I’m right, you’re wrong”—comparing and competing, criticizing, judging, and condemning—we unconsciously build ourselves up in our own eyes while putting the other person in a one-down position in relation to us. We need the “I’m right, you’re wrong” game in order to feel okay about ourselves. 

Therein lies a key danger of the game. It becomes a hindrance to ever discovering our true self—the person God created us to be. We substitute a persona we manufactured for the person God designed us to be. As a result, we live our lives endlessly striving for more. We never escape the comparing-and-competing mentality. We always see ourselves through the lens of what other people have.

This game is particularly dangerous when it is played with religious overtones—religious beliefs, religious practices, church involvement, “the Bible says,” moral issues. Reinforcing the “I’m right” posture with the God-card produces a closemindedness in one’s thinking and a rigidness in one’s position. The religious “I’m right” position cultivates spiritual arrogance that exists outside of the person’s awareness. This arrogance is seen in the criticizing, judging, and condemning that the person directs at others. If these outcomes were not enough, they are compounded by spiritual blindness. The person is not even aware of the spirit and attitudes that reside in their heart and surface in their criticisms, judging, and condemnations.

The ultimate danger of playing this religious “I’m right, you’re wrong” game is the person never knows the heart of God or experiences the gifts of God’s grace and forgiveness. Stuck in merit-based, deserving-oriented thinking and living, they are blind to the nature and character of God. They never learn or experience the grace-based ways of God.

How do we move beyond playing this “I’m right, you’re wrong” game that is so common to our human condition? We cultivate humility—the acute awareness that all that I am, that all that I understand is a gift of God’s grace. We cultivate a teachable spirit—the willingness to think, to learn, to grow beyond what I already think and believe. We work at listening, attempting to hear and understand the other’s position and what led them to it. We seek to understand the emotional components that led them to their belief? We refuse to argue. We respectfully state our position without attacking theirs. We refuse to play the game even when the other person baits us, attempting to engage us in it.

It is indeed a dangerous game to play—dangerous to our spiritual wellbeing.