The Other

Underlying the polarization in our nation (and in The UMC), fueling our either-or, black-and-white thinking is a characteristic that is a normal part of our human condition. It is a part of our base nature, an expression of our most emotionally immature self. It is something we all do until we grow up emotionally-relationally-spiritually. We view those who are not like us as "other." 

We all do it. It's inherent to our human condition ... when we live out of anxiety and fear.

We humans live out of unrecognized anxiety and fear. (I identify this anxiety in my book Discovering Your True Self: A Guide for the Journey.) Anxiety about being hurt or abandoned, inadequate or insignificant lives just beneath the surface of our awareness, shaping our lives. Consequently, we are always looking for a place where we will be safe and accepted, where what we can do is respected and who we are is valued. That translates into associating with people like us - people who look like us and think like us, people who share the same socioeconomic status and community standing. 

The flip side of associating with those like us is how we view and relate to those who are not like us - those who are different. Operating out of anxiety, we naturally focus on how we are different from one another - ethnically, culturally, sexually, educationally, religiously, politically, socioeconomically, etc. The differences represent something unfamiliar and strange, something unknown to us. Those differences lead us to view the one who is different as "other" - not like us, not one of us. We default into us-them thinking. 

Us-them thinking naturally involves comparing and competing. As we note the differences, we unconsciously question "Who is right? Which way is best?" Of course, we invariably conclude the we are right, our way is best. Thus, we not only operate out of us-them thinking, we also operate out of better than-less than, right-and-wrong thinking. 

Here's what the progression looks like:

anxiety →  differences → us-them thinking → comparing & competing → 

right/wrong →  better than-less than thinking

This anxiety-driven us-them, better than-less than pattern of thinking governs how we view and relate to the "other." Our anxiety and fear lead us to view this "other" and their strange ways as a threat. Our anxiety and fear lead us to distance ourselves from them in order to feel safe. (Segregation is an all-too-normal pattern in human relationships - a pattern driven by fear and anxiety.) 

This anxiety-driven pattern of thinking is not just a factor in how we see the one who is different. It is a factor in how we see ourselves. It feeds our sense of identity: "I am not that. I am not like them. I am better than them." In this pattern of thinking, we need the "other" in order to feel okay about ourselves. We use someone not like us - someone whose ways we identify as wrong, someone who we look down on as not being as good as us - to prop up our fragile, anxiety-driven identity. Our sense of value and standing comes at the expense of the "other."

But there is more to this anxiety-driven pattern of thinking and living. In addition to segregating ourselves from the "other" and associating only with those like us, we take the next step: we seek to protect ourselves and our way of life from the "other." Because we view the "other" and their ways as a threat, we are afraid the "other" will destroy our way of life ... and maybe even destroy us! So we seek to protect what is ours: our wealth, property, jobs, status, standing, privilege, opportunity, rights, etc. We use our power against the "other." We exclude them. We seek to control them and keep them in their place. If necessary, we attack them and destroy them. Our us-them thinking has given birth to me & mine thinking. 

Me & mine thinking is scarcity thinking. Scarcity thinking is another aspect of fear-based thinking. It is the fear that there is not enough for all. Scarcity thinking makes the "other" a competitor for limited commodities. It implies that whatever the "other" gains - wealth, status, opportunity, rights - somehow diminishes what I have. 

Again: here's the progression:

anxiety  → differences → us-them thinking → comparing & competing → 

right/wrong →  better than-less than thinking  →  me & mine thinking → scarcity thinking

It seems to me this pattern is on full display in the polarization of our nation. We are operating out of anxiety and fear. We are reacting out of the most base dimension of our human nature. We are viewing and treating one another as "other." Operating out of us-them, me-& mine thinking, we are playing a win-lose, winner-take-all game. We are walking the path of self-destruction. 

The challenges of this time call for our best thinking, not anxiety-driven thinking ... for maturity, not the reactivity of emotional-relational-spiritual immaturity ... for both-and, not either-or thinking ... for the willingness to hear and be heard, not "I'm right, you're wrong" close-mindedness ... for working together, not win-lose and winner-take-all postures ... for the common good, not us-them, me & mine thinking.

The question is: who will step up to provide more mature thinking and functioning? It seems to me that the followers of Jesus would be leading the way.

What do you think?