Lamenting ... and Moving On

In dealing with any loss, there comes a time to move on. To move on is to quit focusing on the loss, allowing it to dominate our focus and control how we live. To move is to begin the process of rebuilding. To move is to learn to live without that which we loss.

Before we can move on, however, we must grieve what we loss. We must face it, name it, own the pain of it, grieve it. Only then can we truly move on. If we attempt to move on without doing the hard work of grieving, we will carry the grief and loss with us in unconscious ways. Any loss that is not consciously grieved — that is, is left unaddressed and unresolved — will get dumped onto others in the form of anger, criticism, judgment, and conflict. Unresolved grief will sabotage our relationships as we move into the future.

 The polarization in our nation and the splintering of The UMC suggest unrecognized and, consequently, unaddressed and unresolved pain in our inner lives. This unnamed, unaddressed, and unresolved pain is being dumped onto others in the form of criticism, blame, judgement, and condemnation. Those we target with our judgment are the scapegoats we use to carry our unaddressed and unresolved internal pain.

 The lament psalms give us a model for dealing with the pain of our grief. They teach us to pray our pain, expressing our anger to God (as opposed to dumping it onto others). Sixty of the one-hundred-fifty psalms are lament psalms — that’s forty percent of them! These psalms invite us to bring our anger to God in prayer. “How long, O LORD?” (Psalm 13:1). “Why!?” (Psalm 22:1). The lament psalms invite us to lay our pain, our grief, our anger, our struggle before God. In doing so, we open this inner pain to God. We put ourselves in a position for God to work on it.

 Each of the lament psalms follows a pattern: complaint (Psalm 13:1-2), petition (Psalm 13:3-4), trust (Psalm 13:5-6). The psalm begins with an expression of the psalmist’s pain in the form of a complaint. After voicing the complaint, the psalmist asks God to respond, addressing his need. That petition gives way to faith as the psalmist expresses her hope in God and God’s steadfast, faithful love.

 Consciously addressing our grief, facing and feeling its pain, opens the door to healing. Praying it allows God to be a part of that healing. That healing work is what allows us to let go of the pain of what and who we loss. It frees us from our constant focus on the loss. It allows us to begin to rebuild, moving into a new reality apart from what or who we loss. It allows us to move on.

 Grief is never really over. It has a way of resurfacing, even when we have consciously addressed it and resolved it. Such resurfacing is normal as what or who we loss is never really gone from our lives. The one we loss and what we loss lives on in our memories. The loss is a part of our history. The resurfacing of grief is an indicator of the significance of what or who we loss. It is an invitation to remember and be thankful.

 The writer of Ecclesiastes says there is a time to weep and a time to mourn (Ecclesiastes 3:4). There is also a time to move on, to begin to rebuild, to face and embrace the future, trusting God’s steadfast, faithful love.

 Recently, I participated in a service of lament for clergy who have been hurt in the disaffiliation process. (Many clergy have been the target of hateful things said and done by members of their churches — an indication this conflict and splintering is not of God.) Following Psalm 13, we voiced our hurt and pain, our grief and anger. We told our stories. We prayed, opening our hurt to God’s healing Spirit. We reclaimed our hope, trusting God’s steadfast, faithful love. The service of lament was a service of healing.  

 This past week, Bishop Rueben Saenz was assigned to serve as the bishop of the Central Texas Conference, along with the North Texas Conference. Bishop Saenz has served as our interim bishop for the past year while serving as the bishop of the Great Plains Conference. In a conversation with him at this year’s annual conference, Bishop Saenz said to me, “A party is coming!” He was encouraging me to not be discouraged, to not get bogged down in the loss caused by the splintering. He was telling me to live in hope, trusting the steadfast, faithful love of God.

 It is time to claim that hope. It is time to move on.