It’s a part of my heritage that rears its ugly head on occasion. It is still a factor in my life—often an unrecognized factor. In spite of all the work I’ve done to overcome how it has shaped my life, it can still blindside me, knocking me off balance.
Truth be told, it can be found in the heritage that came down to each of us. It is, after all, embedded in our culture. Yet, for most of us, it’s an unrecognized, unacknowledged reality of life. Unrecognized means it is unaddressed. Unaddressed means it still wields power in our lives outside of our awareness.
This sinister power is called shame.
Shame is commonly linked with guilt as in the phrase “guilt and shame.” There is, however, a significant difference in the two.
Guilt is the sense of wrong associated with behavior. It stirs inside us whenever we violate some societal, moral, religious, or legal code. Guilt is the emotional pain we feel that calls us to recognize, acknowledge, and address the violation. Its purpose is not to condemn—although it is frequently used to do so, especially in religious circles. Rather, it calls us to right the wrong—to change the wrong behavior so that we conform to the code that was violated.
Shame operates on a much deeper level. Whereas guilt is about behavior, shame is about who we are at the core of our being. It is about our identity—how we think about ourselves. Shame is the message that we are fundamentally flawed and no good. Its intent is to defeat us by telling us we are incapable of measuring up and never will.
Guilt and shame are commonly linked together because our wrong behavior—our failure to measure up to the societal, moral, religious, or legal code—triggers shame’s message that we are no good. Our conscience uses our failure against us, using it as evidence that we are a flawed person who will never measure up. We are judged—by our own selves—as no good. Deep in the core of our being, we live with the belief that we are worthless. We have no real value.
This internal battle which we wage against ourselves is fueled by our shame-based culture. Our society operates on accepted codes of behavior—cultural, moral, religious, legal. We are judged by how we conform to these established, unquestioned codes. The problem does not lie in the codes themselves. The problem lies in how we deal with the inevitable violation of the codes.
Ideally, the failure to live up to an established code calls us to address the behavior. It is an opportunity to teach and train—a proverbial learning opportunity. It invites us to explore what prompted the behavior so we can address the cause, not just the symptom (the behavior). This way of dealing with wrong behavior requires time, patience, curiosity, self-awareness and self-management, compassion and understanding, interest in the person who is in the wrong. It places a greater priority on the person who is in the wrong—particularly his/her growth and maturity—than on his/her conformity to the societal code.
Not surprisingly, our society has taken the easy way out in dealing with wrong behavior. We use shame to address the wrong, using it to motivate the person to try harder to do better. We shame the behavior and the person who did it. This pattern frequently begins in our families but is reinforced throughout our communities—in our schools, churches, social groups, and friendship circles. Growing up, how often were we told “Shame on you!” (I’ve heard this statement in a worship service!) This shame-based way of confronting wrong behavior had the unintended result—hopefully it was unintended—of communicating “you are no good, worthless. You’ll never amount to anything.” We unconsciously internalize this message, using it to shame ourselves. Until we recognize and address this shame-based message and the deep-seated shame from which it comes, we live out of a shame-based identity. “You are no good—worthless. You’ll never amount to anything.”
How do we deal with this toxic message that is rooted deep in our psyche? Why does it lie outside our awareness, wielding its power?
Any number of reasons contribute to our lack of awareness of this shame-based message and our shame-based identity. A primary reason is we have worked hard to avoid the pain this message causes. Avoiding is how we have dealt with the toxic message of shame.
Many of us have become strict enforcers of a particular code, advocating its importance, doubling down on our efforts to conform to it, attacking those who violate it. (Think of those who function as the moral and religious policemen in our society. They are generally rigid, black-and-white thinkers who wear their conservative identity with pride.) Our conformity allows us to avoid the shame-based message spawned by any violation of the code. At the same time, it also blinds us to ourselves, particularly to our attitudes and spirit—the internal realm which Jesus identified as the real source of our wrongdoings (Mark 7:14-19).
Others of us run from the old message by seeking to achieve and succeed. We attempt to offset the shame-based message, using our achievements to refute the deep-seated message that we will never amount to anything because we are, at the core of our being, no good. This strategy plays well in our success-oriented society. This strategy, however, carries numerous downsides. Those of us who embrace this strategy live with a deep fear of failure. We avoid it like the plague. We hide our weaknesses, not just from others, but from ourselves as well. Our identity becomes tied to our work as the means of our achievements and success. We become workaholics. We live out of a persona designed to elicit admiration and praise from others. We feed off of attention, recognition, and applause.
A strategy all of us use to avoid our internalized, shame-based message is judging and condemning others. This common human trait is based upon comparing and competing. Whenever we condemn another for how they have failed, we not-so-subtly imply that we are better than them. Focusing on the other’s wrongdoing keeps the focus off our own weaknesses, struggles, and failures. I believe this strategy explains our society’s use of shame to address wrong behavior. Condemning and shaming another person allows us to support our own fragile identity by saying “I’m not like them. I’m better than them.” In doing so, we boost ourselves at the other’s expense.
Of course, there are some who surrender to this shame-based message. They live out of a no good, never-amount-to-anything identity. They under-function in life, never developing or living up to their potential. They live in dependency upon another—generally a spouse who enables their under-functioning. Many of them numb out their pain with addiction to alcohol, pot, drugs, sports, hunting-fishing, entertainment, shopping-spending-buying, etc.—or a combination of these escape mechanisms. (I’m reminded of a family member who said to me, as he reached for a beer, “I’m just an old drunk.”) Could it be that Christianity’s focus on sin, confession, and repentance is just a religious version of this pattern?
How does the message of Jesus address and resolve this shame-based message and our shame-based identities? That’s the focus of next week’s blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment